In my own thinking, this nightgown is infamous no matter how I describe it. I was prompted to purchase it shortly after DH and I merged our two households of teenagers, his all male household and my all female household. Our relaxed standards of modesty, coming from same sex households, met an abrupt end. No more swigging milk straight from the jug in your underwear. No more dashing straight from the shower to one's room in nothing more than a towel. For me, the hardest change was not being able to sip my morning coffee in the over sized t-shirts I liked to wear to bed. DH's hairy chest at the breakfast table was wonderful and disconcerting and new.
Our various immodesties became an issue one evening after a few too many beers. In response, I marched into Walmart the next day and purchased the most modest nightgown I could find. It was a thick red knit. The sleeves were so long that it hung down over my hands. It covered me from my shoulders to my ankles in swathes of fabric. The size was less important than the fact that it covered everything thoroughly. The fun was that DH had a red nightshirt very much like my gown.
There were no more spats about my immodesty. In fact, I came to love this nightgown and wore it for nearly ten years until all of our young adult children left home.
In fact, I was wearing it one night when we had such a downpour that the night crawlers were drummed out of the ground. In great excitement, DH set me up with a pair of gum boots (Wellies) and armed with coffee cans we set out to collect worms for fish bait. I was squatted down in the mud under a neighbor's window in a tug-of-war with a worm, when a voice called out "Who's there?" DH identified us and our purpose, but I was embarrassed to be caught in my mud-splattered red nightgown. Some of those worms were 18 inches long and as big around as your little finger!
The same weekend that I received my reader's e-mail, I happened across this blog post, which described the limits of human perception and at the same time made a beautiful point about privilege: "I see my privilege as a debt that I benefit from but no one will ever make me pay."
Depending upon one's perspective, I am privileged as an American, as a Caucasian, as a heterosexual, as a tall slender body type, as middle-class, as a professional woman. I recognize my privilege. I work hard as an educator not to discriminate against any self-definition my students (or my readers for that matter) may be negotiating. I am continually confronted with aspects of being I don't understand.
For a week, my eyes have physically bothered me. They have bothered me to the point that I've been unable to comment on other blogs as often as I like. I literally reach a point where I tear up. I am of the belief that spiritual problems often manifest in the body (eg, stiff necks likely mean some sort of stubbornness.) So, while Rags began out of my perception that women my age gradually become invisible (my focus in 2010) and that I was too fond of the color gray (my "color" focus in 2011) and that I did not know how to shop retail (my focus in 2012), the blog has never overtly been about body image.
If you are still reading, I am curious about several things here:
- Do you have an item of clothing as storied as my ugly red nightgown?
- How aware are you of the various privileges you may enjoy as a function of your identity? And what do you do about it?
- Have you ever changed a post when you realized you've inadvertently offended a reader, either with your photographs or your words?
Terri, I so value your clear-sightedness, and you have often cleared my vision through your insightful posts. The privileges I enjoy are the same as the ones you describe about yourself, and it's so easy to take these for granted. My patients remind me (indirectly, not accusingly) of this daily, as they explain how very difficult is is to be NOT-middle class, NOT-employed, or NOT in a stable marriage.
ReplyDeleteI offended a reader when I referred to my curly hair as "natural" - she felt strongly that the word should be reserved for women of color. I don't know if I was insensitive about that, maybe I was.
Patti--Your description about your patients reminded me that whatever a person may appear to be today...is never the entire story. None of us has the corner on human suffering.
DeleteI would have described your hair as curly...who knew that it should be reserved!
Terri, I'm aware of my privilege very single day. And I offend people like crazy:). I think your red nightgown sounds just wonderful We should all have one...
ReplyDeleteLPC--Hm, I would have thought that I was fairly comfortable with offense. I know that increasingly I am challenged by a younger generation that thinks differently than I do and I thought I had a fairly thick skin. In this case, I think the writer of the e-mail was correct.
DeleteI have a terrycloth bathrobe that's not all that feminine or lovely but covers everything up in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes end up with clothing items that are ugly but if I decide they're ugly I get rid of them. I'm not happy if I feel ugly and life is too short to hold onto things that don't make you happy.
I'll be the first person to tell anyone that so far I've had the luckiest life in the world. My worries would be the dream of 95% of the country, and most likely 99% of the world. My Dad who grew up one generation off the farm was very to those around him who lived in different circumstances and I try to emulate his sympathy and tolerance.
The circumstances of others don't say a thing about their value as fellow members of the human race.
Rose--Your description of that terrycloth robe makes me wish we could have a Rags slumber party and all wear our awfulest stuff! I haven't always felt that my life was privileged. I was born with it, but in my twenties I felt that I inadvertently gave so much of it away and had to work HARD to earn it back.
DeleteI think you deserve a lot of credit for the way in which you handle your intelligence and education. You are so smart that you write a blog readable by everyone, which as a writer and Professor with all those obscure words at your disposal, is admirable.
ReplyDeleteOne of my accidents of birth is naturally curly/kinky hair, which before the "Black is Beautiful" movement was made fun of, but is now an asset of sorts. I usually respond to any comment with a compliment about the commenter's hair, which is usually lovely and straight. (I have no idea what Patti's reader is talking about, since the term "naturally curly" is far older than "afro", which I do reserve for people of color.)
Beryl--thank you for the reassurance. Of course I've never met you face to face, but your hair looks to me very similar to DH's daughter's hair. It is blond and fine and kinky curly, so yes, curly transcends race, an articial construct if there ever was one. DH calls it "angel hair."
DeleteI have only changed posts twice, each time to remove names--one at the individual's request and one in response to a comment. Otherwise, I tend to let my words stand.
ReplyDeleteAm I aware my privileges that are a function of my identity? My answer would require a whole post in and of itself. Short answer, yes, of course. I have a laundry list similar to yours. I work (and have for 20 years) in environments where so many don't have some or any of those same privileges that I sometimes tend to ignore mine--not callously or arrogantly, I hope. Jonathan Kozol had a great line though about that--about working in the Boston school system in the 60s helping minority parents organize and speak out, and how he downplayed his Harvard education and privileges until a parent said that those privileges were what made him valuable to the group. They didn't want him to hide his light under the bushel (so to speak) but to let it shine, so that they could move forward in their work.
Long answer, and somewhat incoherent, but I hope I get my thought across!
April--your comment really spoke to me. I know that when I lived in western Montana, I knew better than to ever reveal that I held a post-graduate degree. I would have been discriminated against if I had. Even in higher ed, I often don't tell colleagues that I am a published author. It is surprising what can feel threatening to other people. This little light of mine...I love that tune.
DeleteI am very aware of the privileges I enjoy and how lucky I have been with certain choises I have made that govern the direction my life has gone. However, I find myself often appologizing for that privilege and that bothers me. I wish I didn't feel it necessary to be sorry to others for the fact that I was able to retire early and travel instead of spending an additional 10 or more years working. That is due to the choice I made of a life partner (husband) and the fact that he chose to work at a single job for 42 years and have a really good retirement package. I really could not have predicted that 36 years ago. I love my life - the whole 36 years - and on some level feel I deserve it. I just don't like feeling like I have to appologize for being this lucky.
ReplyDeleteSue--I know exactly what you mean. I had a very interesting conversation on campus a couple of years ago with African-American and lesbian colleagues about this concept of privilege. I pointed out to a couple of them that in my eyes they were privileged...and then we went round and round and round about it. Thank you for speaking up. I think we may need to do a lunch, soon, as I have a BIG choice, similar to yours, before me.
DeleteWould love to do lunch any time. Just let me know when and where!
DeleteI sleep in an ugly oversized shirt which ironically came from WalMart...but it is cool and I hate sleeping in heat. It is kind of yellowed over the years....your worm story just cracked me up! I have no PRIVILEGE of any kind! And yes, I have re-read posts before and changed them because it might offend...but it is not often. As long as I have been in communications, I know that something I say will offend someone every day....I just don't worry about it. The student media I oversee offend on a daily basis...it might be as simple as favoring one athletic over another. I have learned to take much of it with a grain of salt.
ReplyDeletePam--Oh, I wish you had elaborated a bit on having no privilege. I know that from a Christian perspective we are perhaps better to argue that we are the 'greatest of sinners' and compete for humility. Most of the time I don't worry about giving offense either, but this e-mail was lengthy and thoughtful and sensitively worded.
DeleteTerri, You don't half challenge your readers, do you? First of all I can say I have a pink houserobe that husband #1 gave me for Christmas in 1977, our first married Christmas. It is well worn and disreputable, but it fits my narrow shoulders perfectly, the sleeves just cover my wrists, the length is between my ankles and the floor and it wraps nicely (not as well as when I was thin, but still) around my body. I have tried other robes and found none to meet all these criteria so well. It is not sentimental attachment to husband #1 at all, only practical attachment to the robe!
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to privilege and prejudice, I'll hold up my hand here and admit to being deaf, blind and more than a little ignorant. I think these are touchy terms. You, in Kansas, can say you feel privileged to be American; if I say that here in Britain it can sometimes perceived as (typically) arrogant. And with that different perspective, I start to wonder how polite it is to claim privilege; mind, this is just thinking out loud, not suggesting you should change your post, not at all! I follow that being Caucasian has historically been advantageous, but even though being male has also had its advantages I can't personally say I would choose to have been born male; and as a short girl in school I could date really cute short guys, but I'm not sure since Cruise & Kidman this would still be an issue. I guess life is easier if one is part of the mainstream or, even better, part of that segment of society which wields power. I think of privilege that one has been handed as one thing; privilege one has earned as another. Fair enough, being 'mainstream' (or privileged) gives advantages that make earning (even more) privilege easier. I don't quite follow the statement about privilege being a debt that no one will ask him to pay. Through taxation the wealthy help the poor (well, it works that way here in Britain), equal opportunity, affirmative action and anti-discrimination laws and policies are intended to chip away at (unearned) privilege and make society fairer for minority races, preferences, etc. Perhaps that writer means that he's not being asked to stop being male? I'll stop there as I feel I'm walking through a minefield! Yes, I have changed a post after Bill read it and said he thought someone (and I can't remember if it was an individual or a hypothetical someone) could read what I'd written and be hurt.
Shelley--I am trying to recall if I have ANY clothing left from marriage #1. There are some artifacts, but not clothing and most of it is intended to pass on to my daughters one day.
DeleteI think a lot of power is simply perceived and not very actual. I like your distinction between privilege that is handed out and privilege that is earned. I know my husband is a skilled white man, but he came from an underprivileged background and was among the first to find himself without work in the economic downturn. I think privilege is perceived as a debt by those who think of themselves as under-privileged. That's where it gets so tricky, because it has to do with self-perception and you can never entirely know how another perceives themselves. I am not going to touch the taxation question as it is highly, highly sensitive during this election year! I'm a coward! But I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only blogger who has revised after the fact.
Privilege is a strange thing to me - I'm a middle-class, young, reasonably attractive, white woman with a university degree. I'm also "plus-sized" (depending on your definition), suffer from a mental illness and have a facial deformity. I know that I have privilege compared to a lot of people, but I have a hard time navigating where I fall on the privilege spectrum.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know, I haven't offended any readers yet, but I am only basing that on the fact that none have ever contacted me to say they have been offended.
Miss Peregrin--See you are proving my comment to Shelley. I do not perceive you as plus-sized, but you do. Sometimes I suspect the word is one that is hauled out when the accuser doesn't want to have to think too hard about the actual life of the so-called "privileged." I find your posts to be positive and encouraging.
DeleteHmmm, as usual your writing impresses and provokes much reflection! I think it is fair enough to change the entry you made since somebody complained, although I also know that I would not have written such a demanding email myself...
ReplyDeleteI hear you about the inbuilt privilege, and the onus of guilt that often follows. It is of paramount importance to me to not offend anybody either, but sometimes it does happen! And on that note, how on earth does one state your opinion when you know that others are not going to agree, and sometimes heatedly disagree? You can't please everyone. Are we never to write an opinion, or to disagree with anything anyone ever says?
I have changed a blog post if I have thought it offends, once I deleted an entire post that caused divisive arguments from both sides of a point of view. I also visit somebody to apologise if they have been offended.
On the other hand I have lost count of the number of times I have been quite offended by a comment I have received, but I can appreciate that humour and manners of speaking differ in different cultures and countries and I try to understand that and to "get" what the speaker is trying to say.
Do you still have the red nightgown? or are you back to your favoured nightwear of oversized Tshirts now all the kiddies have gone?
Carolyn--You're right that if we worry too much about offending others, we may be so cautious as to say nothing! I had an English teacher in high school who was fond of saying, "It is better to close one's mouth and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." I cannot recall a time that I was offended by a comment, although I can think of a time or two that it has taken a couple of exchanges between the two of US to clarify a thought.
DeleteI do not have the red nightgown. In fact, although I own many nightgowns, most nights I climb into bed unclothed. ;)
I have a sweater that my Dad received as a gift from a woman he dated several years before he met my Mom. I've worn it tons -- especially when I was younger -- and even now that it's frayed and worn I can't imagine getting rid of it.
ReplyDeleteI am definitely aware of my privilege (white, cis, hetero, abled, North American, educated) and I do my best to remember that many, many others have not had either my genetic luck and/or my opportunities.
I don't know that I've ever offended anyone with a blog post, but I'm sure I will eventually.
Kelly--I like your father's solution to the sweater problem! And in your mind, no doubt, the associations are with HIM not her.
DeleteHave you ever found yourself desiring a "privilege" you didn't have?
Late in replying because I've been absent from the blogosphere for a few busy days...
DeleteI think the privilege I covet is one I used to have and now feel that I've lost: the privilege that comes with functioning in the intellect-heavy world of academia. When I was an active academic, I was proud of what I did and enjoyed the cachet it held, its inferred mantle of intelligence, dedication, madcap impracticality. Now that I'm a full-time stay at home parent, I really notice my lack of privilege with regard to assumed mental capacity. Sometimes people's eyes really glaze over when you tell them you stay home with little kids all day. Sometimes people -- even people who know I have a PhD -- assume that my intelligence quotient is considerably lower than it is.
I, too, am lucky to have a job that reminds me of all the ways that I've been advantaged. I think it's important to be mindful of these things so that we don't become mean-spirited judges of others, but I think it's less helpful if we use privilege as something to judge or criticize ourselves for, or something that invalidates our own struggles in life. Struggle and crisis will find us all, whatever our level of privilege; hopefully joy will, too.
ReplyDeleteI do think about this issue when I write blog posts. I'm very aware of the "first world problems" idea, and try to avoid pulling my blog into that territory with no awareness. I've not yet changed a blog post, but I absolutely would if I ever felt that something I wrote was genuinely (if unintentionally) insensitive. I think you strike a perfect balance in your own posts.
Anne--I am reassured by your comment that we all have our struggles in life. My mother has struggled with her weight and happens to be the very size that my reader took issue with in the post. Perhaps part of the reason I felt horrified at my faux pas was that I like to think that I am sensitive to size-issues!
DeleteWell, it took me two years to receive an e-mail of this type, but I am aware that I have offended by a handful of photos I posted early on...and no one had to say a word for me to realize it.
You write with such intelligence and thoughtfulness, Terri. I also have many privileges but I find it hard to think about that in day-to-day life, it doesn't always feel like the luckiest of lives, though globally speaking, of course it is.
ReplyDeleteI do think we should try and be careful about language, although I am sure that I will have offended someone at some stage, or I will in the future. I think it's fine to raise it (politely) and have actually done so on someone else's blog, though not without a little trepidation... I didn't expect that blog post to be changed though. Would I change a post? Probably, if I appreciated the argument against what I had written and it was politely made! Blogs represent us as individuals in all our glory, but I wouldn't want to upset anyone. I suppose my casual lazy swearing is possibly offensive to some - and I wouldn't change that!
These are interesting issues you raise, it's useful to think about them. xxxx
Curtise--It is hard to think about privilege when I am grading papers for hours on end!! Or trying to get the grandson in bed. Or someone has had too much to drink!
DeleteI know that I am one who enjoys your colorful language!
on occassion my mom will surprise me with a gift that is really me, or on trend, or something that i really love. one christmas she got me a calvin klein tanktop/shorts onesie for lounging around the house. i wore it for years till the seams started to come apart and i lost the string for the laceup in front. i'm wearing it in many christmas-morning photos! i finally gave it (and other silken nighties) up for something more modest when the minis came along.
ReplyDeletei always tell my daughter that it doesn't matter what we say or how we say something, it's how it's perceived that matters. case in point, your gigantic 2x. you intended it simply as a description in relation to you, and someone perceived it as a judgement of size. and it's for that reason that it can literally take me all day to write my posts...i try to consider my readers' perception of my writing and edit as i go along. i hope i haven't offended anyone.
[oomph.]
Share the Love - Giveaway
oomph--I can almost picture you in the beloved onesie! The household I grew up in really didn't emphasize modesty until my siblings and I began to go through puberty. Perhaps I should take more time in writing MY posts.
DeleteGreat, thought-provoking post, Terri!
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever changed a post because of a comment, but I would consider doing so if I felt like my words were chosen poorly, in the sense that someone perhaps misinterpreted me. Although, come to think of it, perhaps I'd rather engage in a conversation in the comment box; that might "expose" whatever issue there might be to a larger audience, which might be important.
As for privileges... I try to be aware of my privileges as much as possible, but sometimes I over-compensate and give in to the guilt, which doesn't help anyone.
I decided my words were poorly chosen as this was the only item I indicated a size for in the post. In previous posts, I have referenced sizes. The irony is that I routinely shop women's sizes because I like their flowy quality on me.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I felt guilty, but I was mortified that I might have hurt a reader's feelings without intending to.
Gee, whenever I get wrapped up in offline life I miss excellent posts like this one!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the article on debt and privilege, thank you for the link. You always strike me as a very thoughtful and kind person and blogger. For example, it doesn't surprise me that you removed the size of the nightgown in response to that reader's email.
It is important to think about one's privilege. It can be easy to take it for granted. That said, I also try to enjoy it.
Very thought provoking Terri -
ReplyDeleteWell, well, well... I do not have a similar to the red nightgown :)
Even though I do not think about it often - and am not as grateful as I should - I am privileged because I am a live, healthy, was able to get an education and continue to do so.
I am also quite independent and live in a society where women are equivalent to men (well.. we are almost there!)
I am privileged because I can speak my mind.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIf I may, I would like to point out that - when one is not being political about it - descriptive words pertaining to size are relative terms. 2X may reasonably be described as 'gigantic' because it refers to a particular garment that you wore and which was gigantic on you; the size on the label is mentioned not as a derisive comment, but in order to provide the reader with a reasonable picture of just how oversized it was for you. It seems a shame to me to read such a sentence as if it had political undertones. Would it also be offensive if you were to quote the size of a garment that was clearly much too small in order to illustrate, say, how ridiculous a fellow-shopper was in suggesting it might suit you? It seems to me a sign of oppression if such things as size may not be discussed at all without somebody accusing one of being offensive.
ReplyDelete